Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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