I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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