I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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