the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
