How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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