I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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