You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
