I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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