Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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