just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
