FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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