Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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