I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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