I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
