Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
