Can i not drive my cunt home
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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