On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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