There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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