im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
