Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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