I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
