i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
