its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
