I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
