your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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