Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
