You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a search helicopter?!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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