I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
