the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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