Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
