Do you still have your period?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
