When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
