There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Text me some of your sweat
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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