I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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