last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
