Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
