My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
