there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is Oprah even human
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
