Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
