you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
