I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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