i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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