Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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