Welp...herpes.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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