I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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