Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just pee around me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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