we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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