i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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