I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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