If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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