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Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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