I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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