they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
