I think im going to throw up on grandma
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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