Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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