Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
