Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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