The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
