This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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