also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
