another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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