I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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